It's getting worse

I realised that whenever I told people what I'll be doing on a particular day, the thing will be cancelled or not happened. Or whatever I told others, things will just go the other way. These kind of things just keep happening for sometimes. At first I will think it's just coincidental like everyone else, but as these things keep happening EVERYTIME for a few years, will you still think it's coincidental? I heard about the self-fulfilling prophecy, but I just can't help it. Nobody can understand what I'm going through unless it happens to them just like me. The reason why I always said "see how" during last year's r/s is cos I don't want things like this to happen, i.e., whatever I promised or said, things go the other way. I hate to disappoint people or break promises. I guess there's a reason for things I do, like not promising people in advance or telling others what I'll be doing.

Somehow I feel that this situation is getting worse, cos it's affecting my work. This "curse" is getting out of hand! I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. It's depressing to know about this and no one believe or even understand it. Everyone will just say I think too much or telling me I should not think it this way so that self-fulfilling prophecy will not happen. Well, I really can't do anything about this and my job is really stressing and draining me out. I only sleep like 6 hours from Wednesday to Saturday when I started work last week. This week, I didn't hear my alarm sounds (or my alarm just didn't work) on Wednesday and I wake up today at 1.5 hour later (i.e. 6.30am) scolding myself for forgetting to set alarm last night, when it's a Saturday which I didn't have to go back! Gosh everything is getting out of hand and I feel exhausted. The only times I can really relax is when I'm out with my friends, not when I'm alone resting. I'm so tired and I need to learn faster, time is running out....

大难不死，会有后福吗？

Unlucky things just keep on happening. Indeed, bad things do happen one after another, they don't just happen once.

First, my antique hp automatically sent my sms to my boss-to-be when I sent it to Li Huan. This is so embarrassing, some more I knew it from Jessica this morning, just before I'm meeting his brother, who is my boss-to-be! OMG so paiseh! I think this is a sign to tell me to change hp.

Then, I boarded a bus towards Yishun to meet Angela for dinner. End up the bus stopped cos there's smoke coming out at the back of the bus. Only when I'm trying to board another bus behind it in the middle of the road, then I realised fire appeared! The bus driver tried to use the fire extinguisher but it was spoilt! Luckily the bus driver is alert, if not, all the passengers might have died on the bus.

During the trip, I even shifted from front seat to the back seat, and I thought of shifting again to the last row cos the sun ray is really too hot for me and I still have a long journey to go. Imagine if I really shifted to the right side of the last row (the seat I wanted to shift to) and the bus driver was not alert, I'll be the first to be on fire!! First to be cooked even before the bus will explode!

I guess this is a sign to tell me that many things in life don't matter, only staying alive to see my love ones living happily matters. I realised when this happens, my mind only worried that I'm late to meet Angela, never think of anything else. So I supposed he's not in my mind at that point of time, but anyway, I guess he should be having his exams soon since Gao Rui having exams on 21st and 25th this month. So wish him all the best in his papers~ :)

Suddenly..

OMG I suddenly have this feeling that he hates or dislikes me, thats why he never contact me and even delete me out of everything..well, I guess it's a normal process that will take place after the end of a relationship. So, I should not be too bothered by it cos I need to move on. Just that sometimes when I need a guy's point of view, like recently something happened, there's no one I can talk to. :(

Just some thoughts and reminder for myself - "Here for you"

Was kind of happy to know that ah boy is at home when mum and I brought rice dumplings to ah gong's house. He even brought homework and followed us home after going NEX with us. He's already P5 and his score is not enough for him to go to Express class in secondary. He's a clever boy but too bad he's not hardworking and focus enough. Teaching him maths just now made me realise he can do those questions easily but he cannot focus for long. I like this cousin a lot since he's born cos he's so adorable when he's younger. Now, seeing him sometimes just remind me of my ex.

And I felt kind of bad towards ah boy cos I told him last year that "we" will bring him out at the end of last year. But this will never happen and I felt so upset right now cos I just don't know how to explain to him that the guy he called "china orange" is no longer with me, not even in contact with me, and not even friend. In front of others like my friends, I still can manage. But in front of ah boy, I can't bring myself to explain much cos he will be very curious to know more and he's a kid, so he won't hesitate to ask more questions. I'm so afraid I will just break down in front of ah boy, which is the last thing I want it to happen. He already has divorced parents and living in a not-so-perfect family, I don't want to leave him any more bad memories.

Suddenly there's this thought which came across my mind while I'm bathing just now. Perhaps I'm still not sympathy and empathy enough towards others in my life. Instead of thinking of holding on to the friendship previously just cos we'd a relationship before, I should think it this way: I'd already wasted his 9 months where he should be with the girl who really suited him perfectly, I should not waste any more of his time hoping he can still keep in contact with me. I just want to let him know that he's really lucky to find a girl that really suited him perfectly cos I know I don't have this kind of luck. Most importantly is that they are happy with each other and I deeply believe they are anyway.

I have to promise myself not to sms/ call him from now on, I should not disturb his life further. However, no matter what happened, I'll still be there for him if he ever needs my help. When he's at sydney for his first semester, I showed him a song from Firehouse, Here for you. I remember this clearly cos that was a rough period of time for me as my ah ma was in the hospital. Despite what happened between us, as I said here for you WHEN you need me to, I'll still do what I said cos I believe in loyalty to friends. I'm not trying to cling onto him or hoping he will be back or whatever so, I just want him to know that this friend here will still keep to her promise. But I'm just here blogging to remind myself, nobody will really read this so he still won't know anyway. Below is the link I sent him in 2009, which reminds me of the friendship we had in 2009, when he sent me emails telling me about his orientation and school when msn got problems, I would sms him slightly before 6am on the bus home after studying the whole night through at Yishun Starbucks cos it's his time for class at Sydney. All these made me forget all those that happened last year. :)

P.S.: Hope your life is good and all the best to your school~ :)

He's not man enough..

Just read the "9 things you should never say to a woman" on xinmsn.com and made me realised that actually he is not man enough, more like a woman sometimes. Will my next bf be more man enough? There should be a lot guys out there who's more man than him, I guess... :)

My mistake, I was careless.

A nice song I've heard over the radio station. After hearing so many times, I just look through the lyrics and realised, OMG I can totally relate to the lyrics with my previous r/s. It's really amazing how lyrics can 101% describe how I felt!

"Building faith on love and words, empty promises will wear. You were strong and I was not; my illusion, my mistake. I was careless, I forgot. Falling out of love is hard, falling for betrayal is worst, broken trust and broken hearts. You have gone and so effortlessly, you've won. You can go ahead and tell them."

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did-------

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know--------

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know--------

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them