Just have to do it..

There are things in life that will just remind u of the pain you've been through. I know this may be good in a way that they will remind you not to go through it again if you can choose. Sometimes you don't need to keep getting reminded of the pain and you can avoid these things, cos there's no point making yourself feel down and then get affected for the day. It's not easy to be happy everyday but if you can choose, of cos u want to be happy.

However, there are times where u just have to do things even though they will remind you of the things you don't want to remember. Even though it's going to be half a year, and people might think it's been so long that I should have forgotten or felt better, the cut will still open up sometimes when it's healing. Doing revision will just open up my wound sometimes but this is something I definitely need to do, even if not for myself, for my parents. I know studying is for myself but if you ever been through the same thing, you might understand. Perhaps I didn't try hard enough or didn't put in much effort, I don't have much time to forget and move on too. If I can't go through this time, I'm really lousy and I can only blame myself. Just do it man! "You don't have time liao!!"

Small thought

Had some thought while I'm sleeping last night. As we grow up, we learnt of different emotions and experienced different levels of feelings. During my relationship in 2008, perhaps cos it only lasted 5 weeks, I experienced simply pure happiness. When it ended, I experienced helplessness, sadness and pain to lose someone who thought I don't love him. During the relationship last year, I experienced not just simple happiness, there's unhappiness, communications, discussions, helplessness, sacrifices, perseverance, 感动, 委屈, laughter and tears. Many many different emotions. When this relationship ended, there's helplessness and sadness too, just that it's a different level and type this time. In addition, there's other bad feelings like 心寒, 心酸, 傻眼, 震惊, unbelievable, regret and still has to act like it's nothing and smile in the end so that he can live well with the girl he left me for. These are the feelings that are not experienced after the breakup in 2008. These are the feelings and emotions I've also learnt for getting into a relationship that I should not have agreed to.

I should have learnt that guys don't remember what they said when they want to get into a relationship with you. I should not have listened to his confidence about "strong and solid foundation" when persuading me to be with him, cos this outcome is the one I'm most afraid of, to lose a good friend cos of relationship. I should have stayed firm to my principle. Since this really happened like what I told him in the first place, I should not feel pain anymore cos I allowed this to happen. I really blame myself for this...really regretted..but I did learn alot too. Well, life is all about learning. I'll learn to be strong..I have to I guess.

Unwell

After so many months of tortures, I finally felt unwell. Perhaps the lack of proper meals, lack of nutrition, too much alcohol with no plain water all these while were triggered by my improper sleeping on my sofa bed last night. I didn't unfold my sofa bed and so I've to sleep by sitting on the folded bed. Had been feeling so uncomfortable cos my head hurts till I keep tearing, like yawn too much. And when I finally came my room to prepare for the bed, I felt like vomiting. End up vomited all the dinner cos the food is rejected by my body, can't digest and absorb by my body.

No one will know that I'm sick cos it will only worry my family. I think I can feel that my days are numbered, heart keeps beating irregularly fast recently. Perhaps tonight I'll sleep very well....

Cancers or heart attack?

Been some times since I last blogged..up till now I've yet to revise for my exams! I've been trying so hard to forget and recover, if not it's really difficult for me to start reading notes cos they will just remind me of the days where he's with me. Have been using a different approach to handle this breakup as compared to the previous one. Now I wonder if this approach will take a longer time or it won't even heal..

Just saw his twitter account when I'm trying to invite people to twitter through my messenger account..gosh I felt a burning feeling in my stomach. Didn't know he has a twitter account, perhaps he has been using that with her even when we're tgt..haha.."The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling.." This song keeps playing in my mind, such a wonderful song. Well, if he sees this, he will say he didn't do anything wrong to me when we're tgt and that I've think too much (as usual). Oh pls, he'd already done me wrong by putting feelings in her when he's with me, isn't it? So tell me this is right? Hah!

I think it's time for liquor and listening to clubbing songs again. I've been trying to avoid looking at his pics or things about him but sometimes things will just pop along the way to just remind me there's this person. I don't hate him at all even though he's so heartless to leave me alone while happily leaving over there. I just want to forget as much as I can so that I can move on happily or at least normally. Cos remembering him will only remind me of how stupid I am and how I've let down my other friends. Somemore, I keep having "nightmares" till I can't even sleep well. At this rate, I think even if I don't die of liver, lungs or stomach cancer due to liquor and smoke, I'll still die of heart attack. I can feel it already...